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Princess of Cup's Tarot Journal

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22nd August 2006

11:44am: revised tarot shelf
I got a ton of decks that I ordered a few weeks back in the mail yesterday, so I had to do some reorganizing, lol. I think it looks much neater now.

Now I'm off to a job interview! Wish me luck!
Current Mood: nervous

19th August 2006

2:04pm: my tarot shelf

16th August 2006

9:25pm: Lydia's Reading
Here's the reading I did for Lydia, using my Forest Folklore deck.

1&2. Personality: Death, 7 of Wands

Lydia is very timid right now. She runs away from me, squeaks when I pick her up, darts under the bed or behind the TV when she sees me walking across the room. I think part of this is her lack of contact with humans till now, and part of it may also be because she's the runt and at the bottom of the foodchain among her sisters, so she feels like she's gotta stand up for herself or hide until the opposition goes away. I think this might change though, as she's becoming more brave and bold by the day.

3. Her relationship with Minerva: 10 of Pentacles

Minerva is her family, for better or for worse, and she'll stick by her no matter what. She loves her and is content being with her. I also think she looks up to her to some extent.

4. Her relationship with Bella: The Tower

Lydia is ALWAYS following Bella around, whether it's under the bed, up bookshelves, or behind the TV stand. Bella is her source of learning. She tests things out and then Lydia knows they're okay. Bella is a positive influence on Lydia, who guides and emboldens her.

5. Her role in the family group: King of Pentacles

While Minerva and Bella goof off, play, and wrestle, Lydia is the practical one who keeps the family together. She's mature and quiet, and prefers to watch rather than jump in and get her paws dirty. She is often seen dragging bits of fabric into their nest box or hoarding food for later on.

6. Her relationship with me: 8 of Cups

I am something very new and uncertain for her. She's not quite sure what to think of me yet. I don't blame her, really. I pulled her out of her second home, since she'd already lived in another home before the pet store, brought her somewhere new and unfamiliar, and she's still adjusting

7. What she can teach me: The Devil

I think Lydia can teach me to get back to the basics, so to speak. She can show me the simple things in life that matter, as opposed to the rush of day to day life and the materialism of the culture we live in. She can be a reminder to stay away from the worldy qualities of the Devil that tend to drag people down.
Current Mood: calm
8:59pm: Bellatrix's Reading
Here is a reading for my rat, Bellatrix, using my Goddess tarot deck.

1&2. Personality: The Sun, 8 of Swords

Bella is a joyful, loving soul who is very creative. She's playful and childlike, and very smart, always figuring new things out. She was the first to learn to climb the bookshelves! She loves affection, and also has a lot of love to give. The 8 of Swords tells me she doesn't like to feel held back or confined. With her youthful qualities, she wants to be able to run and explore.

3. Relationship with Lydia: 4 of Cups

Bella loves to play with Lydia. Wherever Bellatrix is, Lydia is often right behind her, following in her sister's footsteps. However, sometimes she has just had enough and wants to be alone, free to explore at her own pace without Lydia tagging along.

4. Relationship with Minerva: 10 of Swords

While it's fun to wrestle with her sister, Bella feels like Minerva pushes her around too much sometimes. It can be a real pain. Nonetheless, getting bullied also helps Bella to learn to become independent and stick up for herself.

5. Role in the Family Group: Two of Cups

Bella is the middle sister, not the dominant one or the timid runt. She loves both her sisters unconditionally. She is able to cooperate with both of her sisters and find a balance in between the two of them.

6. Relationship with Me: The Hierophant

In this deck, the Hierophant is renamed Tradition and is represented by the goddess Juno. This tells me Bella sees me as somewhat of an authority figure, but moreso as a protector, like Juno, and someone who can teach her about the world she lives in at my house and in my life.

7. What She Can Teach Me: Page of Cups

The Page of Cups, here renamed Prince of Cups, tells me that with her playfulness and innocence, Bella can teach me to kick back, relax, and have a good time. She'll help me not to take myself too seriously, and to open myself up to love.
Current Mood: creative
8:23pm: Minerva's Reading

I did this reading for my rat Minerva using my Karma deck and the rat spread I created a few days ago. 

1&2. Personality: Empress, Knight of Swords

Unlike the motherly Empress of many other decks, the Empress in this deck is represented by Lilith, said to be Adam's first wife before Eve, who refused to consider herself inferior to Adam just because she was a woman. I see this sooo much in Minverva. She's the dominant rat in the family, the one who controls the food dish and the water bottle. The other two eat and drink after her, get attention from mommy after her, and choose a place to sleep after her. She can be materialistic too, loving the best treats and the nicest toys. She's a sweetheart, but she can be kind of a bully and always wants her own way.

I can see the Knight of Swords in Minerva as well. She's very brave. When I brought her home, she was the first to venture out of the cage and onto my lap. She was the first to run the length of my bedroom and climb on top of one of the snake's cages. She isn't skittish like the other too. I also see the mental workings of the Knight here. She's very good at figuring things out, like how to climb to unreachable shelves or squeeze into tiny nooks and crannies. The negative side of this card is also present in her personality--a little immaturity, acting before thinking, pushing the other two around sometimes.

3. Relationship with Bella: Death

This makes sense to me because Minerva sort of seems to be Bella's role model. Whatever Minerva does, Bella is willing to try. Minerva brings about new ideas and changes for her sister.

4. Relationship with Lydia: Page of Cups

While she can be a bully toward both her sisters, her relationship with Lydia is a bit different from her relationship with Bella. She has no problem chasing Bella down, jumping on her, sitting on her till she squeaks helplessly, but she rarely goes after Lydia. More often than not, she grooms Lydia while Lydia is lying down. I see Minerva as protective of and soft-hearted toward Lydia in comparison to the competitive, adventurous, and playful relationship she has with Bella.

5. Role in the Family Group: The Hanged Man

Minerva is the one who is constantly exploring new ideas and perspectives on things, which she uses to enrich her life and the lives of her sisters. While she can be spoiled and selfish, I think she'd be willing to sacrifice her own needs if her sisters were in trouble.

6. Relationship with Me: 10 of Cups

I make her very happy. I bring about a sort of emotional peak for her, and she's very content here with me. She feels loved here. This is home.

7. What She Can Teach Me: 5 of Wands

With her natural curiosity and courage that holds her back from nothing, I think Minerva might be a challenge for me. She's also very competitive with her sisters when it comes to my attention. I think she can teach me patience, understanding, and gentle discipline, as well as how to spread my love equally between all three of the girls.

Current Mood: hopeful

10th August 2006

11:24pm: Presenting...The Rattigans!!!
Alright, so it's really not tarot-related, but it's a huge deal in my life, so I'm going to share it here anyway. Today I brought three sister rats home from the pet shop. Their owner's rats had had a litter and they couldn't keep the babies anymore. The girls were born in May and are absolutely precious, and very friendly!

Minerva was the first sister to poke her head out of the bag in the car on the way home. She's black and white and the biggest of the three. Not surprisingly, she also appears to be the dominant rat in the family. She spent a good deal of time chasing the other two around and sitting on them. She's also the most adventurous, and was the first to come out of the bag and crawl around on my bed, the first to take a treat from my hand, and the one who initially tested out the hammock in their cage.

Bellatrix, Bella for short, is a sweet black/chocolate colored rat with a big white splotch on her tummy. She's a little skittish, but she's very sweet, and loves dried banana treats! She seems to like to run around with Minerva, squeaking and wrestling. I have little rat claw scratches on my hand from where a cat scared her at the pet store and she jumped off my hand, climbed my shoulder, and hid in my hair. Poor thing!

Lydia is a timid white rat with a beige blotch that extends the whole way down her back. She also has pretty pink eyes! She's the smallest of the three, and the most quiet. While the other two romp around the cage, she tends to stay off to the side and watch, although I did catch Minerva sitting on her once. Lydia seems like she's going to take a little extra work to get her used to humans, but I have no doubt she'll be a total sweetheart once I get her over her fear of people and new household noises she's not used to. She was the first to try out the wooden hide box and the water bottle. She also seems to be growing attached to the hammock.

The girls are living in a multi-level ferret cage with plastic ramps and platforms, two wooden hide boxes, various chew toys, a hammock, a food bowl and water bottle, and a few of mommy's old shirts to snuggle up in. Compared to the little tank they were in at the pet store, this thing is a palace! And it's so nice to see them running around and exploring and playing instead of lying in a heap sleeping.

Oh, and to make this slightly more tarot related, a spread I came up with earlier:

The Rat Spread


1 & 2: Personality
3: Relationship w/ one sister
4: Relationship w/ other sister
5: Role in family group
6: Relationship w/ me
7: What she can teach me

I haven't tried it out yet, but I figured I'll do it for each of the sisters. Maybe I'll give it a try after I finish cleaning. I've got a friend coming into town to stay the week with me, so I have to make sure this place isn't a mess! Oh, and incase you couldn't tell, that's supposed to mimic the shape of a rat's face: ears eyes, nose, front teeth, lol. I drew whiskers on it in my notebook, but they're a bit hard to manage online.
Current Mood: happy
9:11am: Entering a Card: Gendron King of Wands
I entered the card and the king was standing in front of his throne, tapping his wand impatiently in the palm of his hand. He said he was losing patience with his son, who had somehow upset the queen that day. He sounded peeved, but his face was kind and lined with age, and his eyes had this sort of "boys will be boys" glint in them in regards to his son. I thought it would be rude to ask any further questions about his family, so I got right to the point of me being there: I knew he had a gift to give me. It seemed like it took him a minute to remember what it was, and when he did remember, he presented me with one word: "reverse." I asked if there was anything else he needed to tell me, but that was all he said. I didn't understand, but I thanked him anyway and exited the card. After I took a few deep breaths and opened my eyes, I flipped the card upside down, but nothing was different. However, the swirls in his cloak keep catching my attention, more than any of the other details on the card. There's something very cosmic about them.

After the exercise, I grabbed my Tarot for Teens book to check out what the King of Wands reversed means. I never work with reversals, so I had no idea. I have so many tarot books that I can never remember which order the suits are in in the minor arcana section of the books. However, today I automatically opened up to the King of Wands. It was kind of surprising. The key ideas listed, such as being at odds with an older male figure, someone who is stubborn, controlling, opinionated, overbearing, all remind me of my dad. I wonder if there is more to the message than I'm getting right now? Perhaps I'll have to revisit this card later.
Current Mood: relaxed
9:09am: Daily Draw
My Gendron, Art Nouveau, and Tarot of a Moon Garden decks came yesterday from the Wren's Nest. Wren even made me bags to go with them, which are absolutely gorgeous! I'm particularly attracted to the Gendron deck, so I did a 3-card draw for today with it.

Body: 7 of Cups

Mind: 7 of Swords

Heart: Prince (Knight) of Wands

I'll have to reflect on this one later.
Current Mood: mellow

8th August 2006

3:00am: Tarot For Yourself Exercise: What is Tarot?
What is tarot?
That's a hard one to define. Tarot is something different to everyone who uses it. To me, tarot is a tool for reflection and to help me understand myself, my feelings, and my relationships with other people. It is a means of accessing my subconscious mind that I usually keep closed off, and it can sometimes be a connection to the divine, a way of receiving messages from a higher power.

What do you feel is the purpose of tarot cards?
Tarot cards help me understand myself better because I can look into my subconscious and things I may not even realize I'm thinking or feeling because they're buried beneath my conscious mind. Also a way of communicating with the divine.

What do you want to learn from tarot?
I want to learn about myself, learn to counsel other people, and gain a better understanding of the way I relate to other people.

What are you hoping to gain from this workbook?
I'm hoping to gain a better understanding of the cards and the various decks I own. I also want to learn to read more intuitively.
Current Mood: hopeful
2:57am: Update
As I said before, I haven't been reading as much tarot lately because of being at my grandma's house. I also quit my job in a dramatic and immature fashion, so that's been stressful for me. Today I got two tarot books I bought: 78 Degrees of Wisdom by Rachel Pollack and Tarot for Yourself by Mary K. Greer. I realize I'm sooooo behind on tarot readings I'm supposed to be doing for other people, but right now I feel like I need to read and study for myself. I'll force myself to do the readings for other people in between.
Current Mood: blah

6th August 2006

8:39pm: Forest Folklore Ace of Wands
I haven't been reading tarot much lately, especially since I spent the last few days at my grandma's house, and she's very anti-tarot. Tonight I started reading Llewellyn's 2006 Tarot Reader and pulled out my Forest Folklore deck to try an exercise from that book. The Llewellyn exercise was to find one symbol or detail in a card that catch's your eye and interpret the card solely on that symbol. My exercise started out the way, and then I decided I wanted to try the "entering the card" exercise I'd heard about, where you study the card, and then close your eyes, picturing yourself in the card with all the sights and smells and sounds, and picture interacting with the characters in the card.

I picked, at random, the Ace of Wands from the Forest Folklore deck. Here's a picture of it:

The first thing that caught my attention was the horse's dark eye. Then I saw the light on the end of the fairy's wand. I kept looking back and forth between those two, seeing how the light and dark contrasted one another. I closed my eyes and was in the clearing, standing a few feet from the horse. In my mind, I was oblivious to the tiny fairy, who didn't wish to be seen. I had sugar cubes in my hand, and I beckoned the horse with them. It accepted them, nibbling them off my palm. Knowing I wouldn't harm it, the horse allowed me to stand next to it and stroke its neck. After a few minutes, something told me to get on the horse. I was scared because I've never ridden bareback before, but I climbed on anyway. It took off in a gallop and I found myself clinging to its mane and neck. It took me through a grove of trees to a stream. There are dismounted and the horse bent its head for a drink of the water. I watched it, and then knelt myself, cupped my hands, and brought the cold water to my lips. It had that kind of mossy taste stream water has, but it felt good. Once my thirst was quenched, I could take in my surroundings a bit more. The wind shushed in the leaves of the trees and the smell of flowers was just detectable over that wet scent of the stream and the grass on the bank. I could smell the horse as well, that sweaty, dusty scent horses have that I love. There were fish in the stream, darting around below the surface. I spotted a frog, puffing silently on a rock. When I began to look harder, I saw fairies there, and the more I looked, the more of them I found. They were in the tree branches and the flowers, peeking between the lilypads, lounging on the backs of turtles and frogs, watching me from their hiding places. I stayed perfectly still as they drew nearer and nearer. I thought if I didn't move too quickly and startle them, they might come out.

At that point, my mom yelled for me to watch Sleepy Hollow on TV, which pulled me out of my imaginings. I had to get up and explain to her that my TV is broken and I was busy, lol.

It took me a few minutes to get back to the stream, and when I did, it was close to nightfall there. The sky was turning orange and purple between the trees. Crickets and cicadas were singing. There were fairy lights in the ferns and bushes, and I knew soon they would come out to dance. I looked at the horse, gazing into one of its dark eyes again. I suddenly realized this horse wasn't really a horse, but a fae, just like the other fairies in the woods. It didn't speak to me, but it seemed to say, "Not this time," and I climbed on its back. It took me back to the clearing and I thanked it with a sugar cube. I pictured myself coming out of the card and sitting on my bed, just as I was, and then opened my eyes.

I really like this exercise. It's really fun and relaxing!
Current Mood: relaxed

3rd August 2006

12:15am: ha-ha
I've been doing a lot of "dialogue" readings lately, where I spread the cards out in a big fan in front of me, ask questions as I go along, and pick the cards that "feel" right. I seem to get more accurate readings that way than when I use spreads. However, tonight I sat down to do one with my Zerner-Farber deck, which I often use for these readings, and since I didn't have a specific question in mind, I asked, "What do you want to show me?" I asked that question the other night and got a very accurate reading. Tonight it felt like the cards were laughing at me. It went like this:

"What do you want to show me?"
Prince (Knight) of Hearts (Cups)

"What do you want me to know about the Prince of Hearts?"
Princess (Page) of Pentacles

"What is his relationship with the Princess of Pentacles?"

"How is he like the Empress to her?"
Princess (Page) of Swords

At this point I was like, "GAH! COURT CARDS!" and turned over one other card randomly. It was the Queen of Hearts. Then I just put it away.

Current Mood: grumpy

28th July 2006

11:44pm: Re: Queen
Right now I feel better than I have in two days. I was so glad I pulled that Queen yesterday and could think about her all day because my doctors switched my medication and yesterday was hell with side effects. Today hasn't been much better. I've been sick. Nonetheless, I feel pretty good right now.

Last night I did some little readings with my new decks. My Karma not only reads really well, but the more I study the cards, the more I come up with these situations they COULD represent that never even crossed my mind before. I did a reading with my Thoth, and I think I'm going to have to work with that one a lot. It reads very well for me in smaller 1-3 card readings, but when I tried to use it for a 7 card reading last night it gave me very shallow answers. Of course, that could have something to do with the fact that I was reading at 3:00 in the morning when I wasn't entirely awake, lol. I still need to try my Aquarian and I haven't felt any desire to read with that Fairy deck yet. I think a lot of it has to do with the suits being renamed. It's really cute though and I sort of hope it grows on me.

I have to work tomorrow, which bites, but then I have Sunday off. I got sent home early from work today since we were slow, and slept all night at home, so I'll be up pretty later. That means writing letters, listening to a lot of Tori Amos, catching up on all those free readings I'm behind on (!), and maybe even finishing that Star Wars novel it's taking me waaaay too long to read.
Current Mood: mellow

27th July 2006

12:36am: Card of the Day: Queen of Swords

I drew the Queen of Swords from my Karma Tarot  as my card of the day for July 27th. The Queen in this suit has a bad reputation for being bitter, depressed, kind of a bitch, but I don't see her that way. The Queen of Swords to me is a survivor. She's a smart, perhaps sarcastic woman that I can relate to a lot. She does what it takes to get by, and she uses her head. She's got a lot of layers and complexities, but thats from a lot of hard decisions she's had to make. Today this card tells me to persevere. Things might be rough, but I'll get through them.

Current Mood: sad

26th July 2006

5:35pm: Addicted? I think so!
I hereby admit to being a complete tarot junkie...and loving every minute of it, haha. I had extra cash today, so I picked up a few more decks at the bookstore. I'M IN LOVE! (all over again, lol)

First I got an LS Fairy Tarot, my first Lo Scarabeo deck. It was opened, but never used, so it was only $10. It's kind of cute and quirky, but I'm not head over heels for it yet.

I got a brand new Aquarian tarot, which is funky! It's got this cool sun-faded look to the cards. I'm not sure how this deck will read for me yet, but it's pretty nonetheless.

When I first saw Crowley's Thoth deck I thought it was the UGLIEST thing I'd ever seen, but the more I looked at it, the more it grew on me. I hesitated buying it because I didn't know how different it would be from the Rider-Waite decks I already have. After looking through it, I think it's going to be a great deck for me! The cards ahve beautiful colors and loads of symbolic features that a lot of my other decks don't have. It's a gorgeous deck that I think will give deeper meanings to the cards I already know. This edition includes 3 versions of the Magus (Magician) card, which I thought was interesting. Those of you who have this deck--do you read with all three in the deck or just pick one? I'm thinking about just leaving all three in there, because I think I can really see different aspects of the Magician in the different versions of the card. The first for example, represents to me the scientific side of the Magician. He's in control of the elements, maybe does some alchemy. He's a smart guy who likes to experiment. The next Magus card has a wise-looking golden Magician. He is still controlling the elements, but he's doing so more like he's being practicing for years, not experimentally. He's not toying with the elements, he's DIRECTING them. There's a wise monkey statue underneath him and wise serpents near his head. But monkeys can also be tricksters and serpents are often associated with deceit, such as in the book of Genesis. I think this points to the wise, cunning, manipulative side of the Magician. The third card is a more playful looking Magician with lots of colors. He's using the elements to hsi advantage and has no problem playing the con artist. My only complaint about these cards is when I took them out of the plastic wrap they were in in the box, they had an unpleasant new card smell. I think I'll let them air out a bit.

Finally, I got a U.S. Games Karma Tarot deck. I only discovered this deck about a week ago and was really surprised to find it in the bookstore. IT'S FANTASTIC! This is another one of those decks, like the Zerner-Farber, that I immediately fell in love with. It's got bright, almost Picasso-esque art that is modern in a way I can relate it to my life. The Moon and Star cards are just stunning. It's loaded with rich symbolism...I'm going to have soooo much fun studying this deck!

I got The Tarot Handbook by Hajo Banzhaf too, but I have to really look through it still.

I've got a few used decks and books on their way to me, so I'll update when they get here.

Current Mood: ecstatic
11:16am: Card of the Day: 9 of Pentacles
My Fantastical tarot was begging for my attention again today, so I drew the 9 of Pentacles in response to the question, "What do I need to know for today?" I would love for this card to be about financial security since I'm close to broke right now, but unfortunately, that's not the feel I'm getting from it.

I've got appointments with both my psychologist (love) and psychiatrist (CAN'T STAND) today. To me this card is telling me to go, talk to them, and know that I can handle what's going on with me mentally and emotionally right now. This is stuff I've dealt with in the past, I've experienced depression before, I know how to handle it, and I've got the maturity to find a solution and deal with it again. My emotions may be out of control, but the practical aspects of dealing with them are within my control. Hopefully this also means I've got the maturity to deal with Dr. F., my stupid psychiatrist. I swear I always leave there more angry and depressed than when I went in...
Current Mood: listless
3:39am: Me & The World
I'm up being a night owl again, but this time it's not so great to be up all night by myself. I just got done having a good cry for no reason. My depression's back, and it's been especially bad the past few days. So what did I do? I did a tarot reading. I didn't use a spread or anything, just drew two cards that felt right from my Fantastical deck. I wrote an email to my boyfriend about how I've been feeling tonight, and a lot of it was about how I feel unmotivated, antisocial, and definitely not passionate about anything, although I'm usually a very passionate person. Funny how tarot tells you what you need to hear and not what you want to hear...

I drew the World and the Knight of Wands. To me, both of these cards are about passion. The World shows a shining view out into the universe. It's like it's telling me that I'm connected to all that. I'm a small part of that infinite, spiralling universe, but I'm not alone, and I'm working as part of something bigger. That's comforting. The Knight of Wands tells me I AM passionate, even when I can't see it. I'm someone who can do things well, accomplish things, reach goals. This knight is passionate, but can also be unbalanced when that passion is unbridled. I can relate to that because too much or too little passion often turns into depression for me. This knight is a reminder to me that I am creative, sexy, spiritual, intelligent, and dedicated to the things that matter to me. And what's in the background behind the knight? A starry night sky--a smaller glimpse of that universe I saw in the World.

I feel a little bit better now, just seeing those cards pop up together. Here they are if you want to see what they look like:

Current Mood: refreshed

18th July 2006

4:39am: Hidden Sorrows
Date: July 18, 2006
Deck: The Fantastical Tarot
Spread: The Hidden Sorrows Spread (http://www.tarotforum.net/showthread.php?t=30876&page=1&pp=10)


[1] What is your Regret, your Loss -- what or who did it involve. The Tower
[2] What was the Mistake you made. Knight of Wands
[3] How do you Positively deal with this in current day-to-day life. Judgment
[4] How do you Negatively deal with this in current day-to-day life. 3 of Swords
[5] How does this mistake/loss/regret Manifest in current day-to-day life. Page of Swords
[6] Who or what is really Responsible for this. 10 of Wands
[7] How do you Move Forward from this. 10 of Cups

1. The thing that I lost involved a sudden revelation. The truth was revealed to me and the walls around me came crumbling down.
2. I feel that the Knight of Wands tells me that my biggest mistake was in the communication in this situation. I was restless and impatient, so I made impulsive decisions. Because of that, there wasn’t good communication, and it pushed whoever the person in the reading is and myself apart, causing the separation we have now.
3. In my day-to-day life I’m moving on. I’m finding new and better things. I’ve seen the light about why this situation didn’t work out, and I’m moving onto other things.
4. Heartbreak. I dwell on the situation, allow it to eat away at me still. I mourn the loss of someone close to me through a separation, a parting of ways.
5. This card makes me worry that old wounds from this previous situation are manifesting themselves in my current relationships, romantic or otherwise. I’m vulnerable in my feelings, as young people often are, and it’s causing my mind to question things, criticize too easily, worry too much.
6. The 10 of Wands immediately says to me that I was putting too much blame for the situation on myself, which is ultimately what made it hardest for me. If I had realized it wasn’t my fault or that we were both at fault or that neither of us was at fault, it would have been a lot easier for me.
7. To move on, I have to accept the end of that old relationship and the emotions tied to it and move on to new, joyful emotional endeavors.

Wow, at first I had no idea what this reading would tell me, but the further I went through the spread, the clearer it became: I am almost positive this is about a good male friend of mine. We were best friends all through middle school, but we kept separating, growing farther apart, going in different directions. Around the end of my freshman year of high school and the start of my sophomore year, my feelings for him had changed from friendship to a crush to what I was almost positive was love, and it very well may have been, but it never worked out. We were taking two different paths, and by the end of our sophomore year, we hardly spoke, never saw each other, I had transferred to a different school. I was still the loner type and he had fallen into a clique that he gave his undying loyalty to. We both changed rapidly and drastically and in the end we were two completely different, unmeshable people. It’s true, I’m moving on. I’ve got new hobbies and interests, passions and causes. I’ve got someone in my life I love with all my heart who means the world to me and who loves me back this time. I’m studying the tarot as well as reading up on other subjects that have recently become interesting to me like feminism, body image, and anthropology.

There was a time when he was my world, and I couldn’t function without him. I ran to him for every little thing. I let him unknowingly hurt me in the smallest, insignificant ways. I spent night after night crying my eyes out over him. Now I see that that was unhealthy. I’m letting to now, finding healthy ways to spend my time, to learn about myself, and to have relationships with other people.

Do I wish it had worked out? Sometimes. I miss him once in awhile, seeing his name on my buddy list or in my contact list on my cell phone. Reading old diary entries about him (there are a lot of them!) make me nostalgic. But I honestly never thought to sit down and wonder if the feelings associated with that relationship were coming up in my relationship now. Am I being too quick to judge people and situations in my relationship now because I was hurt before? Is this the root of the doubts I sometimes have about my relationship and my feelings? This is an area I want to look at more deeply, either on my own, with my boyfriend, and/or with the assistance of the tarot.

The 10 of Wands is definitely suited to me. I’ve always been the kind of person to put blame on myself. I think this card is telling me that I put the burden on myself. I LET him hurt me. He wasn’t being malicious, reaching out and trying to hurt me, but I allowed the little things to get to me. I allowed myself to dwell on negative feelings. I blamed myself for our separation instead of realizing that it was just us growing up, and that was ultimately what kept me in heartbreak for so long.

Time to move on! I’ve got a great new relationship to think about. I’m happy for the first time in my life, and I should be enjoying it! I am going to take a closer look at things from the past that might be coming up now though and causing conflict or tension with my boyfriend.
Current Mood: calm
1:02am: Fantastical Tarot: Major Arcana Exercise
I'm trying to get more familiar with my new Fantastical Tarot deck since I really love the art and it's a fascinating deck. I decided to separate the 22 major arcana from the rest of the deck and do an exercise from Tarot for Teens that involves putting the major arcana into two piles: cards I see as positive and cards I see as negative. I did that based almost solely on the images of the deck and how they made me feel initially, and not on the meanings I know are behind the cards. So I don't necessarily think these cards are positive or negative in general (I believe all the cards have aspects of both) but this is how they make me feel within this deck.

I guess I'll get the negative ones out of the way first.

0 - The Fool
This is kind of a disappointment since I generally like the Fool cards, like what they mean, like the imagery. This Fool is creepy. He (She?) has a sinister face, a colorful, but spidery jester's hat, a wand with a scary puppet thing on the end of it, and this pale, deformed, hermit-crap type back that I've seen in a few of the cards in this deck. To me this card portrays only the negative side of the Fool, the side that jumps into things without thinking, the side whose naivete gets them in trouble, not the trusting, hopeful, optimistic Fool. I'm not sure I like this card.

3 - The Empress
Another card that's usually positive for me. This woman looks a little like Miss Hannigan from Annie. She's got the aspects of nature (flowers, vines, precious stones) around her. She's dressed in royal garb. However, she seems a bit disheveled. She looks like she could be either an overbearing or neglectful mother who is more wrapped up in herself than the people/things she is supposed to be nurturing.

5 - The Hierophant
The Hierophant in this deck actually doesn't bother me as much as the one in some other decks. It doesn't make me feel quite so choked and claustrophobic as other Hierophants have. I could even see good in this card. The problem I have with this card is that he looks dead. He's pale, still, stiff. The only color is in his garments and the background. The Hierophant is supposed to be the worldy interpreter of the divine, and to me this just looks like a person who would have a dead, outdated, archaic, and narrow interpretation of God and God's will.

9 - The Hermit
Another card that kind of let me down. Normally I relate to the Hermit in a very positive way--going off to seek oneself, to find inner answers and enlightenment. This Hermit appeals more to my dark side, my depression. He looks like he's at the bottomof of some cavern with a beam of light over his head, and he's clutching this egg-shaped rock. To me this says that he's hit rock bottom and he's completely hopeless. Now he's holding on for dear life, or maybe just giving up completely. However, I can see some of the meaning here, in that when you hit rock bottom, sometimes you need to go off alone and seek yourself in order to move into the light.

12 - The Hanged Man
THERE IS NOTHING I LIKE ABOUT THIS CARD! I don't think there has ever been a card that has made me so disgusted and creeped out. This is the ONLY Hanged Man I've ever seen strung up by his NECK. His hand are bound. He's naked and even more pasty and deformed than the Fool. He's beneath the moon, a symbol of deceit or the unknown. It gives me chills just looking at it. Looks like this guy didn't feel like he was going anywhere, so instead of seeking answers, he gave up. Yuck.

15 - The Devil
Obviously, the Devil has inherent negative connotations because the character of Satan in the Bible is the root of evil and sin. This card is very busy and quite hellish. The emaciated-looking Devil sits on his throne with evil glowing red eyes. He's got an inverted pentagram tattoo on his arm. There are gargoyles above him holding chains which attach to burning torches. in the background are all sorts of blurred shapes and figures that look like they could be demons or condemned souls. Just not a pleasant card.

Now for the postive cards.

1 - The Magician

This is a wise, almost fun looking guy. He makes me think of Dumbledore from Harry Potter--wise, powerful, but with a sense of humor. This guy is dressed in elegant robes and levitates the four symbols of the minor arcana. He has the traditional symbol of infinity (8 on its side) above his head. This is a guy I'd definitely go to for advice and a good cup of tea.

4 - The Emperor

This guy is no softie. He's got a stern face, beard and hair like icicles, and a firm grasp on his scepter in frnt of him. He radiates power and authority, but there is something about his face that makes me believe he is a just man who uses his authority wisely.

6 - The Lovers
A dark card, but still a positive one for me. This draws me toward the idea of choice and decision often associated with the Lovers card, rather than the romantic, joyful, lovey dovey associations. However, I do see a very deep love in this card. A solemn looking man holds his beloved in his arms. She is naked, exposed, and wild, her hair woven with flowers. In the background is a dark tower and an approaching sunrise or sunset. It seems to me like the two of them are spending their last moments together. They know their time is almost up. They've chosen to spend these last moments in each others arms, holding on as long as they can. It's very sweet in a dark, twisted way.

7 - The Chariot
Not only is this guy kinda hot, but he's got a confident, I-can-do-anything attitude. He's in his charriot, his hair and flags blowing in the wind, and he's ready to take on the world! Compared to the other cards, this one's very bright. Blue sky, bright blue and red clothes and banners, blonde hair, a copper-colored chariot.

8 - Strength
I think this might be one of my favorite Strength cards out of any of my decks. Unlike a lot of my other decks, this one doesn't show brute force. I've always believed the Strength card to mean emotional, mental, and spiritual strength, inner strength, a strong will. An African tribal member, bedecked in beautiful jewelry, looks out over the savannah, his arm around the mane of the content lion that lies next to him. To me this says using one's mind and emotions to overcome something stronger than oneself.

10 - The Wheel of Fortune
There is something about the shape of the circle and its patterns on this card that makes me think of Celtic designs, which in itself is very comforting since I love Celtic things. It is surrounded by representations of each of the four elements, all going around in this circle. To me it's a compass, the circle of life, the connection of all things, no matter how big or small. I like that idea of the universe and life being intertwined.

11 - Justice
This is a really interesting interpretation of Justice. The traditional scales are there. A woman in a long gown and robes kneels beneath them, facing away from them, steadying herself by holding onto a sword. It looks to me like she has either been knocked down and is about to get back up and seek justice against the person who harmed her, or she knows she has done wrong, and she's kneeling, seeking forgiveness.

17 - The Star
This card has a sexy celestial woman relaxing, just chilling out there in the middle of space. She looks peaceful, at ease, happy with her place in the universe, worry-free. That makes me feel peaceful too.

18 - The Moon
One of my favorite cards in any deck, and it didn't fail in this deck either. This card is all in shades of blue, and Natalie Hertz wove moon symbols in wherever she could. There's the crescent moon surrounding the darker side of the moon in the sky. There is a moon-shaped nose ring in the woman's nose. She wears a dramatic crescent collar on her dress, she has moon earrings and jewelry, moon shapes painted on her face, and moons embroidered on her robes. She looks up toward the moon, seeking answers. Her eyes are lidded and her expression is indiscernable, making me think of the moon being associated with hidden things, secrets, and even deceit. There is something very psychic about her as well. Maybe she just has that stereotypical old gypsy fortune teller look.

19 - The Sun
A masculine figure illuminated by the blaze of the sun. He enjoys its warmth, he thanks it for its light, he drinks of its fire, lets it inspire him, and it sheds light on his world.

20 - Judgment
This is the kind of angel I think should be on the judgment cards. She's beautiful, colorful, obviously powerful, but not threatening or scary. She blows a beautiful trumpet, announcing the end of something and the start of something new, a rebirth, something better.

21 - The World
I think the Universe would be more fitted to this card, as it shows a view into the glowing vastness of space. It's just a very peaceful card for me, saying that yes, I am only a small part of the universe, but I am nonetheless connected to everything else, all that stretches from here outward into infinity.

And finally, neutral cards. Neutral? Yes, neutral. Some cards didn't really go one way or another for me or I immediately saw their positive and negative aspects. So I created a third category for those cards.

II - The High Priestess
This is one hip old lady. She wears cool clothes, has some great decor in her places, lots of makeup...I bet she listens to awesome music too. I would definitely go to her for advice, as she looks wise, like there's sooo much more going on in her head than she's willing to give away. At the same time, I think she could be a little intimidating.

13 - Death
People are usually like, "Ahh! Death!" especially people who don't know that in tarot, it seldom represents actual death, but usually a major change. This guys a little creepy, but he's kind of cool, like the Grim Reaper from Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey, lol. Plus he's got the coolest robes EVER. I want to know where he shops! I'm also biased...this card is associated with Scorpio, my astrological sign. And what does Scorpio rule? Sex and death. Rock on.

14 - Temperance
I'm not sure how to feel about this card. The colors are very non-threatening, but the woman in the card almost looks like she CAN'T find a balance rather than she is trying to find a balance. She's holding on pretty tightly to that vase, like she doesn't want the water pouring out of it.

16 - The Tower
Pretty colors and it's not falling down and burning like in most decks. It's a bit eerie, but I might stay the night there if I had a friend along.

Wow, that was a long entry. G'night all!
Current Mood: creative
12:34am: Two 2-card Draws
I used my Zerner-Farber deck to draw two cards to tell me about my dreams tonight and two cards to tell me about my day tomorrow.

My dreams: Queen of Pentacles & 7 of Swords

The Queen of Pentacles will probably be a character in this dream, someone practicle and realistic, but the motherly type. She takes care of someone or something. She's good with money, maybe a business woman. She may have some kind of financial power. The 7 of Swords tells me she'll take some kind of risk, and she may trick someone or be tricked or deceived.

My day tomorrow: 9 of Wands, Hierophant

Ugh, working again tomorrow night. The 9 of Wands suits me. It tells me I've got the ability to protect myself and my emotions, and persevere, even when things in that stupid bloody hot kitchen get stressful. I looked it up in my Tarot for Teens book, and one of the associations they list for this card is "taking care of your body," which I think is interesting, because I know I'm not eating enough and work is the one place where EVERYONE bugs me to eat, and I almost always do.

Now, the Hierophant is harder for me to interpret. I have really negative feelings toward this card. Just looking at it makes me feel smothered and constricted, and this coming from the girl who used to want to be a youth minister and has no problem with organized religion. I honestly have no idea how this will come into play tomorrow, but I guess I'll see. Conformity is part of this card. Perhaps this has something to do with my feeling of needing to belong at work? I'm the youngest one there, so sometimes I feel left out. Maybe this is me wanting to conform to be better accepted.
Current Mood: blank

17th July 2006

8:08pm: New Tarot Book
Woohoo! My Tarot for Teens book by M.J. Abadie came today. I read through over half of it already, and I really like it. It has good explanations of the cards and some fun exercises I'm excited to try out. It's also a bit of a different perspective than I've had so far since it focuses specifically on the cards and situations they could relate to in the lives of teenagers.

The sections on significators and astrology really helped me out since choosing significators was still kind of rough for me and I know hardly anything about astrology.

Just wanted to say that! I'll post a reading or an exercise or something more interesting than this later, lol.
Current Mood: optimistic
9:16am: Daily 2-Card
I did a 2-card draw with my Zerner-Farber deck for the day.

The Chariot tells me there are opposing forces in my life I'm going to be able to master today. I have the motivation to be successful at doing that. It's also about motion, going places, doing things.

The Two of Pents tells me that I'm going to be juggling things today, and that I need to remain flexible. I especially love the way this deck shows the Two of Pentacles because it depicts two snakes. No, it's not just 'cause I love snakes. Snakes are very flexible animals, which reminds me to go with the flow and be ready to make changes on short notice today. But I musn' forget...the Two of Pentacles is fun! There may be challenges today, things clashing, too much going on, but I'm going to welcome the challenge and love every minute of it!

Wow, I love when the cards are spot on... *grin*
Current Mood: cheerful

16th July 2006

4:28pm: Tarot Study: Dragon 4 of Wands

I'm trying to get to know some of my new decks a bit better, and to do a deeper study of some of my older decks, so I decided to start doing these little "tarot studies" where I draw a random card and write about its symbols, how they relate to the traditional meaning, what it means to me, etc. I figure this is a good way to get familiar with the cards and occupy myself when I'm in one of those "tarot" moods.

I drew the 4 of Wands from my Dragon Tarot deck. This shows a desert scene with a black obelisk on a sand dune. Behind the obelisk are two palm trees. A red-orange dragon stretches across the sand dune, its neck wrapped around the obelisk and his head turned toward the black monument and the scorching sun in the sky. Around the edges of the card burn four torch-like "wands." The LWB that came with the deck lists the meaning as "working together with others toward a common purpose," but that isn't exactly the meaning I've come to associate with the card. To me, this card is about relaxing and enjoying things you've accomplished.

It seems like the dragon has built the obelisk, and is now sitting back and admiring it, enjoying the beautiful thing he has created. I can see the idea of working with others too though, although not with another dragon or a human, but with its surroundings. To build this obelisk it had to work with the harsh environment it found itself in, and it accomplished that.

Current Mood: content

14th July 2006

1:04pm: What do I need to know for today?

The 6 of Cups tells me that I'm going to be feeling a bit nostalgic today. Knowing me, I'll probably try to dwell on whatever it is I'm remembering and get all depressed because i miss it. But this card is also about using old memories to learn to be happy now, and finding the good in what I have now. The Magician tells me that I have the power to do that, that I'm in control of myself and my environment. He also tells me that by learning about myself through the old memories the 6 of Cups is bringing, I can learn about the world around me too.

Current Mood: optimistic

13th July 2006

6:59pm: a little about me
It suddenly occurred to me that I might come across as a tarot-obsessed nutjob. Lovely, lol. Anyway, after that epiphany, I felt like I should tell y'all a bit about myself to prove I have a life outside of my collection of tarot decks. *wink*

Name: Amber

Age: high school

Hobbies & Interests: reading, writing, zines, the internet, reptiles, mythology (esp. Greek, Norse, Celtic, and Native American), linguistics, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, movies, music, Irish dance, dragons, fairies, duct tape, body art and modification, penpalling, German, makeup, tigers, playing with the kittens at the pet store

Favorite Musicians: Tori Amos, Judas Priest, Mushroomhead, Aimee Mann, Garbage, Veruca Salt, Caroline's Spine, Counting Crows, Tears for Fears, Flogging Molly, Natalie Merchant, Sarah McLachlan, The Dresden Dolls, Republica, Jewel, The Cranberries, David Bowie, Depeche Mode, Fight, Drain S.T.H., Eve 6, Indigo Girls, K's Choice, REM, Nirvana, Rise Against, The Verve

Favorite Books and Authors: White Oleander by Janet Fitch, The Torn Skirt by Rebecca Godfrey, Property Of by Alice Hoffman, The Blue Girl by Charles de Lint, Adios, Barbie by various authors, Dead Poet's Society by N.H. Kleinbaum, Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes, I Capture the Castle by Dodie Smith, The Melancholy Death of Oyster Boy & Other Stories by Tim Burton, Neil Gaiman, Francesca Lia Block, Ellen Wittlinger

Favorite Artists: Timothy Lantz, Natalie Hertz, Salvador Dali, Tim Burton, Brian Froud, Gustav Klimt

Favorite Movies: Labyrinth, Serenity, The Secret of NIMH, Swing Kids, White Oleander, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Donnie Darko, I Capture the Castle, the original Star Wars trilogy, Chinatown, The 10th Kingdom, The Birdcage, Dogma, The Shawshank Redemption, Little Women, Dead Poets Society, Mirrormask, Empire Records, X-men, X2, Pirates of the Caribbean I & II, Edward Scissorhands, Moulin Rouge, Romeo + Juliet

Pets: Siberian husky/malamute mix dog, corn snake, ball python, Russian dwarf hamster

Other Random Stuff: I can't fly. I depise math. I'm a total nerd, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm eccentric, crazy, weird--whatever you want to call it--but I take things very seriously when it's needed. I laugh too loud and talk too much. I could live on gummi bears and breadsticks for years. I drink like 3 gallons of milk a week. Joss Whedon is  a god among men. I'm semi-fluent in German. I don't eat fish. I love to eat cows and chickens, but they have to be dead and cooked first. I love looking at the stars. Someday I want to be a professional writer and maybe study anthropology.
Current Mood: nerdy
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